Is there an exact point in time where things started going downhill for humans? Like there must be a moment when one gorilla asked for a mango from a fellow chimpanzee in exchange for his spare banana? Maybe at that time we could have stopped this bullshit of evolution and restarted the whole damn thing. Also, is there a point in the human history when greed or jealousy or materialism or that kind of shit started? There must be. If I ever get a time machine, I’d go to that point and take a giant shit. I also think that if earth is 70% water then we weren’t supposed to exist. This planet was for aquatic beings only. Which bastard fish came out and fucked a maggot? How many hints do we need to understand that we don’t belong here? But that topic is for another day.
We keep sharing the images of the infinite galaxies we keep spotting. We keep feeling insignificant. Yet, we keep fighting over petty things. Bitching about colleagues, friends and families. Making ourselves significant in their lives. Or making them significant in our lives. What are we then? Significant or insignificant? Or does the existential dread leave you when you leave your phone after posting those images? Keep it with you, maybe? The dread, not the images. The lies we live, man. Maybe that’s why we can’t see the aliens. Because we can’t see beyond ourselves. We are the aliens. What we have become, we shouldn’t have. You know how there are these TikTok videos of people deep cleaning tiles. Maybe someone should spray that on us, so we realise who we are. We need deep cleaning. Let’s start from the scratch.
Sometimes I get so disappointed with myself, when I look at certain things that I did, that too in absolute consciousness. What was I thinking? When did I become this? I keep wondering, until it’s time to become that person again. And it’s a circle. I keep becoming that person again and again and fucking again. I wish the lull period where I wonder about the disappointment with myself could last longer. Au contraire, it keeps getting shorter as I grow old. And one day, this lull will become so small, so so small, that I will jump from one insignificant ship to another without giving it a thought. Just like that. Jump. Jump. Jump. No pauses in between. But science tells us that the more you compress a thing, the more powerful it becomes. Maybe this lull will become my singularity. The disappointment singularity. Hope it will cause my big bang some day and I get to live on earth again, as a human being with a newer perspective. Because the way it’s going right now, I might as well be living in Mars because I am not contributing anything to anything here.
I am at the stage of life where I feel like I am still winging it. Think of it as a cricket match, and professionals are playing but there is this guy who has come from the street, and without having any sort of prior experience in this kind of setup, he hits the fastest bowler for three sixes over third man. One of them even looks good. People clap. It’s a fluke. Everyone is impressed but deep down he knows its a fluke. Three sixes can’t be a fluke, right? But they are. And for the rest of his life he wants to be at the non striker. So that nobody gets to know that it was a fluke. He knows that some day one over will come which will shatter his dreams. Beaten twice, one ball on the helmet and out next ball.
That’s the over he had been dreading. Back to pavilion. Doing odd jobs. Growing old. Watching younger players go by. Telling them how he once hit two sixes of the fastest bowler ever. People don’t believe him. That was his only moment. Wouldn’t it be just so devastating if you had only one moment in your whole life worth sharing? Does this fear ever go away? I fear that. I fear a lot of things. People call it imposter syndrome. But is it really an imposter syndrome if you haven’t actually achieved anything? And how is naming a thing a solution to anything, anyway? Achievements. What a disgusting way to feel good about yourself. Look. My achievements.
We have been raised in a society where they tell everyone about this idea of success. You know how it looks like. You have seen it from afar. You are aiming towards that. But they don’t tell you the address. They don’t tell you the road that you have to take. They tell you the road that they are familiar with. The road that they have walked or could have walked if not for the circumstances. But but but, maybe, just maybe, that’s not the destination? Maybe we have got it all wrong. Maybe a person doing pottery in the backyard of his house is the most successful person in the world. Maybe the dream is the nightmare. And we realise this farce only on our deathbed. Maybe the life that flashes before us when we are about to die is all the could have beens. That’s why they are shocked. Because I’d rather die than see the reel of my own life before dying. It’s just a bunch of zomato orders, anyway.
Look at the positive side but. They say. Yep. That’s what we are here to do. Look at the positive side when everyone is running towards each other with invisible swords in their hands. Stabbing is easier when you look the other way. So look that way, while I run all over you. Don’t look at yourself. Don’t look at the truth. Look at the other side. Keep looking. Until it’s time to go. Why do we always always always sugarcoat things? Use metaphors when they are not required? If it’s shit then say it’s shit. Deal like how you deal with the shit. Get up, wipe yourself and move on. You don’t stay in the shit and look at the flowers. Don’t look at the positive side. Look forward. Easier said than done. And even easier to write. Just a bunch of words. The only thing I have learned so far in life is nothing and I intend to keep it that way. Literally every day is new. Why learn? I’d rather unlearn.
Ok, that’s it.
I have just turned 20 and I am having the same issues in my life [assuming that you are 40 ] so it means till 40 same mental trauma ..OOO fuckkkk man
The only thing I have learned so far in life is nothing and I intend to keep it that way. Literally every day is new. Why learn? I’d rather unlearn.