“I am getting tired of this”, a friend said, looking into nobody’s screen during his eighth zoom call of the day. We didn’t ask what he meant by ‘this’. It could’ve been the zoom call. Or it could’ve been everything. The whole year. The ups and the downs. The constant anxiety. The fear of losing someone. The fear of losing the job. Everything. We didn’t dare to ask what he meant by ‘this’. We said we understand.
But we don’t. We don’t understand anything. We have no idea how we are processing any of this. We are clueless. We are just on a boat, hoping to stay alive, in this sea of uncertainties. I wonder even if do we come out alive, will we be the same? The whole generation’s mental health will be in shambles. Psychiatric revolution will be the need of the hour. We will start giving our disorders new names because that way at least we'll be able to explain what’s wrong with us. Right now it’s unexplainable.
How do you feel ok after losing your best friend? Or your mother? Or both? The pain is unbearable. Our brains will process this in their own way. We will be fucked up. The stray dogs might not get the same empathy anymore. The calls with friends will be shorter. Night-outs will be fewer. There will be more crying out loud moments in parties. Everyone will carry some pain. Forever. It’s the new normal. The jokes about the new normal have stopped. The new normal is not normal.
I messaged my friend later. Had a tough day at work? I asked. No man, was just feeling tired, he replied. Of what? I enquired. Of feeling helpless, he said. Who knew we would have money to buy the oxygen but there won’t be any oxygen to buy? That we will jump in joy when a close one will get an ICU bed? That your childhood friend passing away won’t affect you as much as it should have? And that what affected you more was that English teacher’s death? How do you compare grief? For whom do you grieve more? Who deserves more of your empathy? Do I even care?
Yes, you care man. I said. If you didn't, you wouldn’t have thought of all this. Like I haven’t. Don’t overthink, I said, before going into one of those overthinking spirals myself.
These questions haven’t been raised before. There are no right answers. They say time heals everything but will time also provide answers to these questions? If not, then is it healing or forgetting? And who's to say if we will be able to forget any of this? Will we ever be healed then? Only time can tell.
For now, all I know is that we have a lot to deal with. And we have no idea what we are dealing with. And it’s a lot. Sigh.
Even if this pandemic gets over, we are never going back to our old normal. And this realisation, it sucks. It sucks very very much.
Love your writing...thanks for sharing this with us..I always feel part of your stories 🙂