I find myself packing bags in the middle of the night. I don’t know where I am going, but just the thought that I can go anywhere gives me some sort of comfort. Run away, young padawan, the world’s not for you. If it is, it will come back to you. Stupid thought. It happens very often nowadays, this packing bags thing. I’d be lying awake and then I’d make up my mind that I can’t be living like this every day. Surely there is more to it? And so I decide to pack my bags and my toothbrush and an extra pair of shoes. I always keep a big chunk of cash ready, in case I ever find the courage to take that path. I know I never will. The idea of escaping is more soothing than the act. Being blessed with rationality is a curse sometimes.
I had this dream once. I was on a vacation with a bunch of friends. It looked like I was kinda happy/content. I had grey hair. We were going to this remote island, with very little civilization. South of Italy. A friend told us to go visit there. It wass supposed to be not too touristy and huge sections of beach would be just for us. Not a soul around. I liked the idea very much. All of us seemed interested. But on the day we were supposed to visit that island, nobody wanted to go there. They preferred to shop instead. So I too backed out and told them that I’d be in the hotel. I did go to the hotel, but to pack. From there, I took a bus straight to the point where the ship was waiting to take me to that island.
There were probably three more people on that ship. It was evening-ish. For some strange reason, I carried all my luggage to this boat. I just packed everything. The ship sailed. I didn’t even look back. Six hours into the trip, our captain told us that a few weeks ago he discovered another island just a couple of hours away from our destination. He asked us if we would wanna go there. All of us unanimously said yes. We reached the island the next day. As I was about to deboard, I noticed none of my fellow passengers were deboarding. I asked them why. They didn’t respond. I asked the captain, if he wants to deboard, he too didn’t respond. Strange.
I deboarded and the next thing I know, the boat vanished. As if there was no boat to begin with. I didn’t worry much, probably because I was in a dream. There were a few people already on that island. They were sitting around a fire, roasting some fish. On spotting me, they all got up. Their style of getting up was very similar. Strange. As I walked towards them, I realized all of them were versions of me. One from when I was 18, one was a 21-year-old me, one 27 year old, one 32 year old and so on.
“What’s happening?”, I asked them. The 27-year-old me looked me in the eye and said, “You wanted to run away. You took the step. You dared. So here you are.” “So, all of you also ran away and came here?”, I asked. “Yes”, the eighteen-year-old replied. “You see, you can’t really run away from the world. Your urge to do this will always be suppressed by the things out there. Money, fear, friends, parents, life. You will be scared to take this step. But once you overcome all of this, and you actually do take this step, you will reach here. Your feelings reset to the default mode.”, he added.
“I don’t understand”, I said. “You remember you went to the hotel to go and pack so that you can visit that island?”, the twenty-one-year-old asked. “Yes”. “Then do you remember being hit by the door?” “No” “Check your head, there is a bump”. There was a bump. “So you mean, I am actually in the hotel and the person who felt the need to escape is no longer feeling the need to escape because the feeling has escaped him in the form of me?” “Yep”. “Fuck”. “So you can’t really escape?” “No”. “That’s sad”. “Yep”.
I often tinker with thoughts. You do that? Like just think about something for longer than it deserves. No, it’s not overthinking. Overthinking almost always involves you. It’s a selfish act. Tinkering with thoughts is just a time pass activity. It doesn’t make you jealous or insecure or bitter. It might make you sad though, if you go deep enough. Or apathetic, if you go right down to the bottom. It’s not fun, but some days it can alter your perspective. Like the other day, I started wondering if any of us are actually free? We keep chasing shit. It’s just shit after shit after shit and then some more shit. Just stuff me with all the shit. I want everything.
And would that be enough? No. But can you escape any of this? No. We are too deep in this trap. Running away won’t solve anything. Especially if you run away with a bunch of cash. So stupid. You quit your job so that you don’t have a boss. You freelance instead only to realize that now everyone has become your boss. You quit that and now you do things only for money. And so on. Then what’s the solution? I thought and thought and thought. And the solution is to stop thinking about it. Any of this. Stop. That’s the solution. It was a strange dream, wasn’t it? I actually didn’t dream that. I keep telling myself that story in order to never run away. Because in the end, you will always be here, always be a part of this thing called earth. The sooner you accept this, the better it will be for your mental health.
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Love the line being blessed with rationality is a curse sometimes .
Amazing!!!